Should You Date While Your Divorce Is Still Pending?

A lot of people going through a divorce want a total break from dating and romantic relationships. And a lot more of them could really benefit from that break, whether they want it or not.

But lots of men and women can get lonely fast in the midst of a separation. The house feels different with one less person in it, and the bed built for two can feel enormous. Or there's someone new who seems easier, lighter, less loaded with history, and who just might treat them the way they've always wanted to be treated. Or, honestly, it's just been a long time since anyone looked at them like that, and the timing for a little long overdue excitement seems like it's finally lining up.

If you're in the first camp, the one that wants a break, great. Just hopefully you won't swear off romantic love forever, and you'll use the time, if helpful, to better become the person that's going to attract the kind of love you want into your life.

As for the second camp, to be clear, I'm not the dating police. Your ex is. Just kidding. But not really. If you want to date while your divorce is still pending, that's your call. Before you do, though, it's worth knowing what a new relationship can do to a divorce that isn't finished yet.

It can change how your spouse shows up to the table.

Nothing turns a cooperative "let's just get this done" into a much more adversarial posture like finding out there's someone new, especially someone who showed up fast. Whether that's fair or relevant to the law is beside the point. On the one hand, it may very well be true that it's none of your ex's business who you date.

On the other hand, they may make it their business in a way that you can't control, and they may choose to conduct that business by being more difficult and stubborn at the negotiating table. Divorces go better when both people stay in a problem-solving mindset, and ideally where both of you are on the same side of mutually addressing the problem of your unresolved divorce, and few things knock someone out of that mindset faster than feeling replaced.

It leaves a financial trail.

New relationships cost money: dinners, trips, gifts. Every dollar of it can turn up in financial disclosures, which is a problem if you're also arguing you're stretched thin, regardless of which side of the alimony issue you're on (among other issues). Spending freely on someone new while pleading poverty is not a great position to be in, either in court or at the negotiating table.

It can become a custody and co-parenting issue.

Introducing a new partner before a parenting plan is in place is something exes (and, by extension, their attorneys) tend to take note of, and usually not with a Hallmark card saying congrats on the relationship. It can read as destabilizing to the kids, which is close to the top of what family courts care about when they are evaluating the best interests of the children. Even if your new relationship is wonderful and your partner is great with kids, the timing alone can hand your ex an argument about your judgment as a parent. The safe move, and the one that's likely better for your kids, is to keep new partners well away from them until the divorce is done and things have stabilized.

Honestly, if you have kids, your top priority in the early days of a separation should be establishing an enforceable, written parenting plan and starting to develop a durable and healthy co-parenting relationship that will ride the crests and waves of your long post-divorce life. If you haven't done that yet, then dating might not just be difficult (your headache over not having a custody schedule yet in your month-old separation is lousy first date banter) but probably not the best place to spend your energy.

It costs you bandwidth you need elsewhere.

A new relationship and even just dating takes time and attention, especially when you're trying to learn the unwritten rules of the wild west of dating in the 2020s, right when you most need both focused on getting your divorce actually finished. The best divorce is a done divorce, and every hour spent on something new is an hour not spent closing out something old. Sometimes the most romantic thing you can do for your future love life is get the current mess fully closed out first. And you're probably going to be much more mentally and financially attractive to a new mate at that point rather than six weeks after you moved out of the marital home (note: many men and women alike are not all that interested in dating someone who isn't divorced yet, or at least taking meaningful action in that direction).

None of this means you have to put your life on hold. Some people do better on their divorce journey, both on a practical and an emotional level, with a little companionship while they get through this. The point isn't "don't." The point is to go in with your eyes open, understanding that a new relationship and/or casual dating during the divorce is not a consequence-free zone.